Ok. Leicester is a bit shit when I comes to gigs. Or rather atmosphere at gigs. No fucker dances (except me), no one betrays any emotion and people talk all the time through out every band. So with some trepidation me and my mate ben and his girl friend went to see the guae.

The Tiffanies were first on. I really liked them. Three people, one girl, two boys. Four short songs that reminded me of the tv programme `Happy Days'. It was kinda surfy poppy but a bit spazzy. Oh and the drummer kept standing up. Really good. Sit on it!

Next came Circa 1983. oh boy! Three really young looking boys in matching cowboy boots and shirts!! They ejaculated Stooges style punkery all over my inner ear. Their songs went on for ages and had some really dodgy solos!!! Fuckin' A! I don't know for sure but I think beneath their trousers lurked massive cocks!

But! Ann Arbor's cocks were defiantly bigger! Oh yes. I heard a lot of bad shit about these guys `they cant play' ` I thought they were warming up' `they sound a bit like Big Black'. They were amazing. So fuckin noisey. And they didn't even have a drummer. Nope no drummer. Just a little black box. And that box contained some of the funniest drum beats ive ever heard. The guitar was so loud that my mate ben's tits exploded! Next time I hear anyone dis these boys im gonna creep into their house and bugger them cos AnnArbor rokk you sour emo asses!!!!!!!

Then came the guae! Resplendant in matchin LL t shirts and skin tight leather trews! Christ! They look tame enough, oh and look there is a piano on the stage, It might be nice andKKKLLAANNNG. For lapsus are not subtle (they can be though, so there) oh no, the piano in `the strang makes every thing ok' sounds worried for its own health. The bass is like a fuckin huge metal pole being rammed thru your skull and the guitars and drums are scary. The band seem to teeter on the brink of chaos (?!?) but in stead of falling in, they grab chaos spin it round, bum rape it draw on its face and spit on it. They throw rock poses and fight, spit on each other and look menacing all whilst twatting their instruments to create some of the most oddly compelling music i've ever heard. They bound between instruments in-between songs. They even pull off some of the more quiet tunes from their lp (albeit whilst telling the nobheads in the crowd to'shut up' and `stop muttering'). They told us to all eat shit with them! Yum! They totally held my attention for the duration and I thought they were amazing. And you should too. In fact they were so evil and loud I found my genitals had rotted and fallen off.